Is Loneliness Good for You?

Depends on what kind of person you are, but some of America's leading psychologists have the same surprising answer: being by yourself isn't half as depressing as you thought.


A person needs peace and quiet, whether it's in the woods, on a boat, at the bottom of a wine glass, or between the covers of a great novel. This desire for detachment doesn't stem from being loveless — we all feel lonely after a breakup — but sometimes we just have to shut out the outside world, including the other sex. Sometimes we just have to be single. And science has something to say about that.

"A [person] about town, to use a dated reference, is looking for a neurobiological high," says psychologist Laurie Helgoe, author of Introvert Power, who wrote a recent Psychology Today cover story on introverts and extroverts. The latter's brains "have less stimulation in the background, so they're always looking for the next fix from outward-directed, high-intensity, carefree interactions like going to bars and parties, and dating new people."

Not everybody needs this high — plenty of us are happy in monogamous relationships — but some are wired differently. And pretending you want to commit, when your heart yearns for freedom, is a recipe for disaster. Because, several top cognitive-science experts say, you can wind up more isolated with a partner than you would by yourself.

John T. Cacioppo, director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago, explains that "being alone and being lonely are not the same thing, but they're both stigmatized in our society." It's why people who prefer solitude nevertheless look for relationships out of guilt — but feel even guiltier once they're in one. This is "not healthy, physically or mentally," says Cacioppo. "A happy single person is just as healthy as a happy married person."

There are good reasons to remain single, if you're not the codependent type. You'll have more time for whatever makes you feel alive — advancing your career, exploring your artistic streak, satisfying your wanderlust, or fighting for your political ideals. You won't feel like there's a choice between abandoning your soul mate and pursuing your dreams.

It all comes down to your (fifty-percent inherited) level of oxytocin, a hormone that affects bonding. If you're born with more, you'll probably show affection and trust; if you're born with less, well, a ball and chain might not be your thing. But there are non-romantic interpersonal relationships that can make your life meaningful.

Single people "may have closer friendships" than their committed counterparts, according to psychologist Bella DePaulo, author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After. "When some [people] get married, their friends get placed on the back burner. But when it doesn't work out, they've lost all the people in their lives and have to go crawling back."

But there's a catch, of course: All humans eventually need companionship that goes beyond mere friendship. You're going to advance in years, your body is going to fall apart, and going through it alone is no fun.

Harry K. Wexler, director of the Center for Aging, Sexuality and Meaning and blogger for Psychology Today, has been married twice. He now celebrates the single life, and believes that "one of the great underrated emotions in life is loneliness," but it's far from easy as your sunset years approach.

"One of the biggest challenges of being single long-term is the inevitability of death," Wexler says. "You won't grow old and die with someone, and you must have the courage to face that."

So perhaps the ideal, as humans have practiced it for millennia, is to experience single life to the fullest in our youths and settle down when the time feels right. Because you don't want to be that person who shows up to parties with gray hair and wrinkles.


As Wexler puts it: "The real problem with being an older single guy [for me] is that women my age look like my mother — and I don't want to have sex with my mother — but I look like the younger women's grandfather, and they don't want to do that either!"