“You Had Me at ‘Hello’”

As two writers who found each other through Match.com, we know a thing or two about how the Internet can bring people together. But what about when the dialogue moves from online to real time? To help you through that terrain, we’d like to share the story of our first phone call after our “liked your profile” emails and online conversation. Here’s how our first phone chat went—with tips about what helped to seal the deal, so you can do the same.


Let’s talk NOW!
Theo: The first day we emailed, Kent suggested we talk on the phone that evening. I was kind of glad: Some people don’t want to talk on the phone that soon—maybe they’re hesitant to give out their number (I suggest using your cell rather than home number, btw) or they’re just plain nervous about talking on the phone with someone they don’t know (understandable!). But sometimes email can be what a friend of mine calls “The Great Distorter,” especially if the person writes well. You can get this misleading sense that you know the person. You can tell a lot more about someone from a spontaneous conversation than from what they might write in a carefully crafted email.

Kent: I’ve been involved in email exchanges that are like are like a bad summer movie: They start off great, but go on way too long. I was actually a bit afraid that the same thing would happen with Ms. T and me, so I asked for her phone number.

Theo: I’m always nervous to talk on the phone with anyone I don’t know, so I usually try to think of a few things I might talk about. What were some things we had in common based on the profile?

What do you say to an (almost) complete stranger?
Theo: Whatever list of questions I had in mind went out the window when I started talking to Kent on the phone.

Kent: Credit my voice. It’s like George Clooney’s, but, ah, sexier.

Theo: Yeah, that must’ve been it. Seriously though, near the start of the conversation, Kent talked about his kids’ disabilities, which pretty much flies in the face of conventional wisdom about keeping the first call upbeat and light on disclosure. And while I might’ve been taken aback by this, I actually found his honesty and faith in me rather compelling, and I became very involved in the conversation rather quickly. I’m not sure this is always the best approach—a person who disclosed a lot early on might feel rather vulnerable and hurt if the person didn’t respond well. But, sometimes it might be a chance worth taking.

Kent: You don’t get a handle on someone until you start talking about stuff close to your heart. It can be anything, so long as you are passionate about it. Fixing up a house. Travels. Going back to school. In my case, my kids. Anything.

Theo: I got a very good sense that Kent loves his kids. But he didn’t complain about them or talk about their challenges in great detail. I think that it’s important not to dwell on personal problems in that first conversation. And, don’t talk about exes! It’s too easy to sound like a whiner.

Don’t be afraid to be random
Theo: I think it’s best not to have an agenda. Just trust that if it’s right, the conversation will move forward; if it stalls out, that might mean you’re not quite a match.

Kent: Yeah, we moved onto talking about serious stuff pretty quick.

Theo: Like Four Weddings and a Funeral, right?

Kent: Oh, c’mon, I had that on mute!

Theo: Kent made a joke about Hugh Grant’s hairstyle, and I said, “Excuse me, are you watching a movie?”

Kent: The tone of her voice told me that she was joking. Theo made a comment about the lack of chemistry between Hugh Grant and Andie McDowell, and we were off, talking about the rules of attraction between movie stars. But we were really talking about our own ideas of romance, you see.

Theo: What’s interesting is that talking about a 15-year-old movie opened up an entirely new subject: our pasts. We started talking about where we’d been when that movie came out, and it turned out that we had both lived in San Francisco at the same time! Sometimes, when the conversation roams off-topic, you stumble on intersections from your pasts you can talk about.

Kent: Apparently, we might have sat next to each other on a cable car back in back in ’88. The mind boggles at the idea of what might have happened if either of us had said “Hi”!

Let’s make a date!
Theo: At some point during that first phone call, you should have a pretty good idea of whether you have an interest in this person. If you don’t, get off politely yet quickly. Don’t give the person false hope. But if you are interested, why not make a plan for getting together?

As a woman, I admit that I expect this to come from the man. I probably won’t come right out and say, “Let’s have coffee next Tuesday after work,” but I definitely would say, “Oh, it was really great talking to you.” So he’ll know I’m interested in him.

Kent: If you don’t have a date planned after the first phone call, then the only way it’s going to happen is to have another phone call. And in going through all that again, energy is lost! So I ended by saying, “It’s midnight. I think I should go to bed” and, more importantly, “See you Friday!”

Theo: I was happy we had a plan in place. But it was still another hour before I got you off the phone!

Kent: But you couldn’t hang up either!

Theo: What can I say? I’m a sucker for critiques of crummy old movies.

Theo Pauline Nestor’s memoir, How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed, will be in bookstores next March. Kent Miller is secretly jealous of Hugh Grant’s hair. Theo and Kent have been dating since February.