Sex With A Stranger

A startling number of young women are living out that fantasy with guys they meet online — and don't know at all. Liberating? Or just plain dangerous? Glamour investigates.


It was a hot, humid evening two days before her twenty-third birthday, and Amy,* a part-time media intern, had the post-college blues. "I needed a real job and a real apartment — I felt more bored, angst-y and lonely than I'd ever had in my life," she says. That night, Amy clicked away from the New York City rental listings on Craigslist to the Casual Encounters section, a posting board for men and women, many of whom are seeking no-strings sex.

"A lot of my friends had used it," says Amy. "But I'd never had the guts. Now I thought, Why not me?" So she typed in a single line referencing one of her favorite books, Erica Jong's Fear of Flying: "Looking for a Zipless F&%$, Do You Know What That Means?" Then she took a deep breath and hit "post."

Within minutes, dozens of responses flooded in — some salacious, some sincere, some horribly misspelled. With every one, Amy's adrenaline surged: What could happen with him, she wondered. Or him? "First," says Amy, "I deleted the responses without pictures. Then I picked a young-looking guy who lived down the street and told him I was coming over. Even as I wrote to him, I didn't believe I'd do it. But after pacing around my room for a while, I decided, screw it, I'm going to make something happen in my life.

"Ten minutes later, I'm in a stranger's apartment undressing him. It was surreal, but I told myself it was just like online dating, only more to the point, and more empowering."

Hookup or "casual dating" websites like Fling, Sex Search, OnlineBootyCall, AdultFriendFinder, HotorNot, and the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist work a lot like traditional dating sites, only they're much more risqué. On AdultFriendFinder, for example, users check off what they're into: "1-on-1 Sex," "Discreet Relationship," "Erotic Chat/E-mail/Phone Fantasies" or "Group Sex." Forget waiting until the third date; forget dating altogether. Most users on these sites just want to hook up, and they're fueling a booming trend.

The sites are so popular, in fact, that they often outperform mainstream dating sites — by a lot. Match.com, a traditional dating site, had 5 million unique visitors in May. AdultFriendFinder, by comparison, had nearly 24 million, and Fling followed just behind, with 18 million. Statistics show that nearly half of these users are women, mostly in their twenties, thirties and early forties. But who are these women really? Not who you might think. In interview after interview, Glamour learned that, for the most part, they are articulate, thoughtful, even shy — just normal young women who think a quick fix of insta-sex is well worth the risks.

Tragically, it's not always that simple. In April, 25-year-old Julissa Brisman, a part-time student, was killed in a Boston hotel room — allegedly by a 23-year-old medical student who had responded to her post on the (now dismantled) Erotic Services section of Craigslist. Certainly, Brisman's dating experience wasn't typical — she was a "masseuse," offering a service. But it would be naive to assume that the risks she undertook don't exist for the millions of women using these sites. And yet a representative from OnlineBootyCall — which has 50,000 new female users a month — reports a 5 percent increase in female members since Brisman's death.

The obvious question is: Why are so many young women — your colleagues, your neighbors, your study partners, perhaps even your close friends — living this perilous double life?

"I wanted sex without the rules"
Suzanne, 25, a legal secretary in Washington, D.C., explains it this way: "Craigslist helped me get over a breakup. Those two years were my crazy, promiscuous phase!" Suzanne would post an ad, pick a guy and meet him at Starbucks. Then, if she liked him, they'd go back to his place. "My favorite was a hot lawyer with a city apartment," Suzanne says. "I remember he played Rachmaninoff and had world maps on his walls, but I called the shots. He did what I wanted. If you don't let yourself get used or abused, it can be a great tool."

Like Suzanne, many users have a (maybe misguided) confidence that they hold all the power. Marie, 24, who works at an arts nonprofit in Seattle and authors the cheekily titled blog I'm a Craigslist Dating Whore, says the sites give her control. She tried monogamy in college. "It just wasn't me," she says. "One boyfriend treated me badly; I never wanted to feel that again. I wanted to feel empowered." So Marie went online, and she's still there. "I'll say something like, 'Hi, I'm looking for a nice guy to meet. I'm Asian and 24, and I like boxing, video games and good food.' I keep it basic. Guys don't care what you write anyway; they just want to see the photo." Once, she posted an ad saying she just wanted to cuddle. About 50 men responded within a day, but Marie never kids herself about their intentions. "The rule is he's just not that into you."
Tammi, 32, a photographer in Houston, developed a "compulsive" hookup habit in her twenties. "Where I live it's pretty traditional," she explains. "At a bar, any assertiveness from a woman would be a turn-off. But not online." There, on a casual-dating site, she met Jack. They e-mailed for a couple of months before she got in her car one day and drove four hours to meet him. "I told no one where I was going. In retrospect, I should have worried, but the spontaneity was the sexiest part." When she got there, she wasn't attracted to him — but they still had sex. "I felt icky after," she says. "I realized I'd disconnected from myself, and drove home in shock."

Crazy. Disconnected. Compulsive. They're familiar words to addiction counselors like Kelly McDaniel, author of Ready to Heal: Women Facing Love, Sex, and Relationship Addiction. McDaniel has counseled dozens of women who, like Tammi in her heyday, are hooked on hooking up. "For men, the problem tends to be Web porn," says McDaniel. "For women, it's usually the compulsive use of online forums to find sex partners. Most say they get a rush from sleeping with a stranger. But what they don't understand is the rush may be largely fear. If you mix the chemicals involved with fear [adrenaline and norepinephrine] and those involved with sexual arousal [serotonin and dopamine], you create the most potent cocktail the brain can handle. And with the Internet, you can sip that cocktail anytime."

For Amy, who used Craigslist to search for her "zipless f&%$," that cocktail was intoxicating. "I went back again and again," she says. Casual Encounters quickly became a way for her to explore new areas of her sexuality: the threesome she'd always fantasized about, "a little light bondage and handcuffs, nothing hard-core." Amy knows now that her hookup phase wasn't just about exploring, though.

"I had self-esteem issues," she says. "I'd gone from 170 pounds to 130 pounds that year, and I was test-driving my new body. I would get more nervous that a guy might meet me and not want to have sex than that he'd hurt me. I know that sounds crazy." The more Amy experimented, though, the less she enjoyed regular dates, and the less she confided in her more conventional friends. "I wanted sex without the rules," she says. "With Craigslist guys, there were no expectations, no disappointments. That is, until I fell for one when I was 24. I asked him if he'd consider dating, and he said no, he wasn't looking for a girlfriend. I was devastated — and angry that I'd let myself become so vulnerable. After that, I had one last hookup, but suddenly it seemed so desperate and sad."

"Secretly, I'm tryıng to find a husband"
For all their sexual bravado, could it be that what these women are really seeking is good old-fashioned love? "In many cases, yes," says Laura Sessions Stepp, author of Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both and host of sexreally.com, a sex and relationships discussion forum for young women. "They may think sex is all they want — and for some it is — but they may find they want more. I see a lot of women trying to deny their need for connectedness. But our ability to connect is a strength, not a weakness."

"I fully admit that I'm on Fling to find sex — and more," says Kira, 31, a divorced single mom in a small Pennsylvania town. Kira's Fling profile is a study in contradictions: "I want to be a man's priority, not his option," she writes, and then, "Seriously, just leave the pieces when u go ... I'll be fine!" After multiple on-site exchanges with guys that interest her, she arranges babysitting for her daughter and meets up for dates. "I've met some very sweet guys," says Kira. "I've also met some real jerks that think they can send lewd messages. But I don't invite that. A simple 'Hello, I think ur hot' will do. Unlike many women, I post only clothed pictures. We as women have worked so hard to get where we are today. If we have to pose nude to get a man's attention, what was all of that for?"

It's an almost poignant question, considering the acres of skin on display on Fling — everything from cleavage to out-and-out crotch shots. Sex educator Logan Levkoff, Ph.D., hypothesizes that women aren't choosing to meet men this way because they're empowered but — get this — because they're shy. "My biggest worry," says Levkoff, "is that we are creating a generation of tech-savvy women who have no idea how to communicate in a real relationship. Expressing yourself on-screen seems easier — he can't see you blushing or crying. Then, when you find yourself face-to-face with a real partner, you may not be able to deal."

So can an online hookup turn into love for women like Kira? That seems unlikely when you talk to self-proclaimed "sexaholic" Steve, a 30-year-old man who says he's had sex with 100 women he's met via Match, HotorNot, Bangme and even eBay (where a woman sold him a record, then personally delivered it): "My perception of relationships has been so skewed by the Internet," says Steve. "And a lot of the women seem to have it backward too. I'll say I'm just looking for a hookup, but sex is what they use to connect. Often, they want a relationship." That's why, Steve says, he travels out of state to hook up. "You know there won't be any expectation of commitment."

"Of course the guys trolling Hotornot are commitmentphobes!" says Beth, 31, a real estate agent in New York. "That's why I use good old Match, even if I'm just in the mood for sex. I go on dates and sleep with the ones I like. Secretly, I'm trying to find a husband, but don't tell! I love meeting men this way. My job is clear: Be open-minded, sexy and fearless. His job? The man who brings me the most pleasure wins."

Listening to Beth, it sounds like a thrilling game. But her hookups haven't all been so lighthearted. "Once I answered an e-mail from a foreign filmmaker," says Beth. "Expecting Mr. Sexy-Accent Guy, I arrived at the bar only to find a man much older than his picture, with no accent. He looked freaky, very tall, physically imposing. Two martinis later, though, I was sitting on his lap." He took Beth home and pushed her down onto the bed aggressively. She wondered whether she should have been there, but she admits it was exciting. Then things got weird: "He bound me, blindfolded me and spanked me, all while snarling like a wounded animal," she says. "I don't know what would have happened if I'd screamed at him to stop, but for whatever reason — too many drinks, the rush — I didn't. I do know I never want to see him again."
Beth's experience hasn't dampened her enthusiasm for what she calls "adventurous" dating. But experts like Stepp are concerned about the emotional repercussions for women like her. "I don't think we know the answer to how women process these experiences," says Stepp. "Technology has given us new ways to be sexual, but no new understanding of how to cope."

The dilemma, of course, wasn't born with the Internet. Thirty-two years ago, the film Looking for Mr. Goodbar — about a mousy teacher who ends up dead when she tries to create some excitement in her life by having sex with strangers she meets in bars — shook American women to the core. It launched a heated national debate about whether the sexual revolution had truly empowered women, or just let men take better advantage of them. Today, Stepp wishes we'd have the same debate about the new online-hookup culture: "It's relatively anonymous, so women think they're in control. But it's that anonymity that makes them less safe."

Paige Padgett, Ph.D., a sexual health researcher at the University of Texas School of Public Health in Houston, adds that while the Internet can be a tool for sexual empowerment, "these sites bring people together so fast it can be a scary deal, and one of the greatest dangers may be to women's sexual health." A study Padgett conducted in conjunction with seven online dating sites found that an unbelievable 77 percent of women who'd had sex with men they'd met online did not use condoms on the first encounter. "These women believe they have cultivated an intimate relationship," Padgett explains. "If they've exchanged 20 e-mails and he tells her he's STD-free, that's going to sound more trustworthy than it would coming from someone she's just met in a bar. But either way, you don't know this guy."

"Then he handcuffed me and left me there"
Thankfully, none of the women who Glamour talked to said they'd been seriously physically harmed, and none would admit to practicing unsafe sex. But, like Beth, they did describe some pretty questionable encounters. There was Suzanne, of the Craigslist "crazy phase," who admitted, "I got some verbal abuse from guys I didn't want to sleep with." And Laura, 25, an aspiring model who used to wear a knife clipped to her belt for protection, who said, "I walked into one guy's apartment, and he said he had no way of knowing if I was a serial killer. He wanted me to take the knife off, but I wouldn't." And Amy, who once found herself alone in a stranger's bedroom: "Then he handcuffed me and left me there," she says. "The 10 minutes he was gone felt like forever. I was outside my body, like it wasn't happening." But it was.

Perhaps the most frightening what-if scenario of all comes from Steve, the guy who told Glamour he knows every hookup site under the sun. Roguish, "I'll drive to another state to avoid commitment" Steve. Turns out even he's looking for something more. And when he thought he'd found it with a smart, pretty 25-year-old he'd met online, she turned the tables.

"We'd been talking, texting and chatting for two or three weeks, and I was into her before I even got there," remembers Steve. "After we had sex, I told her I had feelings for her and I didn't want to leave, and she said something like, 'Look, you were just here to have sex with me. Now get out.' I was like, Wow, now I know how they all feel! And it was so bad, so awful, I remember looking at her and thinking, Why are you even still alive? Because I really want to kill you right now!" He was joking, being melodramatic. But the comment chills when one thinks of the Craigslist killing — and two more recent alleged attacks.

In both cases, it seems the guy may have just snapped. One New Jersey woman claims she was choked and sexually assaulted after refusing to be videotaped; the other, from Virginia, claims she was kidnapped. "We get situations where there's online contact and there's an assault," confirms Bergen County, New Jersey, prosecutor John Molinelli. "They're frequent and common. [With online hookups], if you've got boundaries, I don't know how you're going to enforce them."

Parry Aftab, a lawyer specializing in Internet privacy and security law and the executive director of wiredsafety.org, often hears from women who've let their guards down and paid the price. "Last year we saw a spike in cyber-dating abuses," says Aftab. "We helped authorities with the case of one woman who showed up at a guy's apartment and opened her coat to reveal lingerie. Then two other guys came out of the bedroom and grabbed her. Somehow, she got away, but we've heard many stories where that's not the case."

Millions of sexually daring young women, millions of stories still playing out. They can't all end happily, but everyone deserves to be safe. Marie, the blogger from Seattle, has some straight-from-the-trenches wisdom for her fellow casual daters: "You have to be careful," she says. "I usually e-mail or talk on the phone for a couple days to a week before meeting guys. It's important to hear their voice. Waiting keeps my instincts good." When she does hook up, Marie says she uses condoms, plus spermicide, plus the Pill, plus she gets tested for STDs twice a year. While she seems to have her sexual health figured out, Marie says she's still using her blog to "grapple with how to understand my lifestyle and choices."

Amy, who's now happily writing a book, training for a triathlon and dating "traditionally," thinks Marie is brave for blogging openly about her lifestyle. "Other girls [doing this] could use the camaraderie and guidance," says Amy. "It's a lonely experience. I just kept asking myself: What am I really looking for? And how many strangers' ceilings am I going to have to memorize before I find it? I'm so glad that I don't even feel a tug of wanting that life anymore." Not long ago, one of the guys Amy met during the height of her hookup phase called her cell. She picked up. "I told him, 'I don't live in the same town anymore. I moved. Sorry.' And, in a way, it was true."

Genevieve Field is a Glamour contributing editor.

If you meet anyone online...

Even on match.com (and certainly on "casual dating" sites), follow these stay-safe Dos and Don'ts from Parry Aftab, executive director of wiredsafety.org, and Jennifer Wilson, hotline director for the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network.

DON'T give out your personal info (full name, address, cell number).

DO talk before meeting. Call him from a private line that won't appear on his caller ID. His voice will tell you a lot.

DON'T assume anything he said online was true. (In one study, 81 percent of online daters admitted to lying in their profiles.)

DO meet in public the first time, someplace you know well (not his turf).

DO tell someone where you're going, or bring a friend with you.

DON'T decide to sleep with a guy before you've met, no matter how intimate you've been online. If he expects it and you're not 100 percent game, say, "I've enjoyed meeting you online, but I want to take this part slow." And if you do sleep with him...

DO practice safe sex!