The Other Kind of Boyfriend

Guy pals enrich our lives in ways our female BFFs just can't. So why don't we hold on as tight when they start to slip away? Here, how to add more testosterone to your social circle.


In my teens and twenties, my friendships were gender blind: More than half of the people I invited to my 24th birthday bash were platonic male friends. Nine years later, when planning my wedding, I was shocked to realize I contributed only one male friend to our guest list. It got me wondering: Why had most of my guy pals vanished from my life?

The fact is, all friendships are hard to maintain once you are partnered up. According to researchers at the University of Oxford, the average person ends up losing at least two close pals when they settle into a relationship. The reasons are often pretty straightforward: Your new romance moves you to another state, your mate sucks up a lot of your spare time, you fall into a different life stage and no longer have as much in common with your old buds. Guy friends, it dawned on me, are even trickier to hold on to.

Research is limited as to exactly why girl-guy friendships tend to bite the dust, but experts say it usually has something to do with a mate — either yours or his. "Jealousy from a romantic partner is one of the primary costs of having a close friend of the opposite sex," explains April Bleske-Rechek, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin at Eau Claire.

The Case for Male Bonding
Despite the obstacles, experts agree there are specific boons that only male friendships can bring to your life. Getting a male point of view tops the list. "Gaining an insider's perspective on how men think, feel, and behave is one of the advantages of an adult female-male friendship," says Michael Monsour, Ph.D., author of Women and Menas Friends. You and your girlfriends could speculate for hours as to why men do the things that vex you — or you could just ask a guy pal, who will break it down for you in 10 words or fewer, without all the stress. This intel can give you the upper hand in dealings with not only a boyfriend or a brother but also a male boss.

Time spent with a dude is also usually free of the judgments women sometimes pass on each other — and that can be liberating. "With their male friends, women can let it all hang out," says Heidi Reeder, Ph.D., an associate professor of communication at Boise State University. There's less dress-to-impress, less calorie counting, less competition in general.

"Women are natural rivals, often competing for the same things in life," says Lynn Margolies, Ph.D., a psychologist in Newton, Massachusetts.

"Men are seen by their female friends as being on a different playing field, with different measures of success." Example: Your best guy friend is unlikely to feel twinges of jealousy when you tell him you're pregnant. Dudes encourage you to let your hair down.

And when it comes to maintenance, guy friends are more Chia Pet than English rose garden. "People would tell me their female friends would be upset if they didn't call them for a week or show up at a party, but that their male friends require less attention," says Reeder. A drama-free relationship that's low on expectations and high on fun? What's not to love?

The More, the Merrier
If you're looking to expand your circle of male friends, here's some positive news: Thanks to loosened gender roles and far more equality in the workplace, men are easier to buddy up to than ever.

"We've increased the coed reality of our lives," explains Reeder. Men and women, of course, have gone to the gym together and lived together as roommates for years and years. But these days, guys are even more likely to pop up in your cooking class or book club, and it's not unusual for a woman to show up at a poker night or join a fantasy football league. These common interests and shared experiences lay the groundwork for new platonic friendships.

To make it clear you want to hang out and not hook up, communicate your intentions with words and actions. Asking a potential guy friend to grab dinner, for example, sends a very different message than suggesting he join you on an afternoon run. "My best friend of 25 years is a woman, and for the first few years of our friendship we didn't hug each other, let alone sit in a dark movie theater, just the two of us," says Don O'Meara, Ph.D., a professor of sociology at the University of Cincinnati's Raymond Walters College.

"Relationships gain identity from how outsiders define them, so it's equally crucial to confirm to everyone else that you're just friends."